All of my life I have believed in God and that Jesus was the
sacrificial lamb that wiped my sins clean. Even in my darkest times, where I
felt far away from anything holy and good, I would still pray to God nightly,
even if it was only a sentence pleading for life to get better. Despite my
belief and my prayers, I have never felt like I am special in God’s eyes. I
have never felt God leading me in any way or speaking to me. I have always felt
like God answers others prayers the way they would like them to be answered,
or at least in a way that they know it was answered, while I sit back wondering
if I didn’t speak loudly or clearly enough for God to even hear me. Perhaps He’s
too busy. Maybe He doesn’t love me. Then it hit me; maybe I’m just common use.
In 2
Timothy 2:20 it is said that some things are made for special purposes while
others are for common use. What a thought! God makes some of us common. What does that mean? My favorite
definition by Merriam Webster is “characterized by a lack of privilege or
special status.” Wow, right? That flies in the face of all the Caucasian,
middle class American teaching that we’re all special, does in not? What do
special people get that others do not? You guessed it; special treatment.
Is this
the reason that my prayers go unanswered? Is that why God goes out of His way to speak
through others in near possession like experiences but doesn’t give me an ounce
of anything for all my years of dreadful begging? I think it may have something
to do with it. If I’m completely honest, I feel cheated by God and by life. I am unhappy and obsessive and stressed all the time and I can’t
get seem to get over it. After about a year and a half worth of serious prayer and reading
the Bible, I can honestly say that nothing has gotten better.
If anything, I feel worse now than I ever have. Maybe that just goes along with
being common use.
-David
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